One of the toughest mental shifts I’ve had to face in early middle age is realizing that people who have known you your whole life may still not know you, or may only know who you were at one point and never updated their view as you grew.
You can love them deeply, share history, share memories, share whole seasons of life and still hear a comment that makes you pause. It might be a sibling, a parent, a close friend or anyone who knows you well. They say something in passing that either dismisses something you value or suggests a version of you that you don’t even recognize (or maybe not recognize anymore).
Maybe your sibling gets a new job and jokes, “now I can spend money frivolously like you.” Or you call a friend to celebrate your small business hitting ten thousand in sales and she replies without thinking, “wow, everything always comes so easy for you.” In those moments you’re left standing there unsure how to respond. All you can think is, how does my own sibling not see that I’ve worked hard for every single thing I have....? Or, how can my friend think anything has been easy when she’s seen me miss nights out and long weekends because I was studying or grinding for the life I’m building now. Hell, she may have been the one to ask when you were going to finally date, go to that new club or get a look. She saw the sacrifices in real time.
What I’ve realized is that every one of us is living life through our own lens. Our experiences shape what we notice, what we value and how we interpret what we see. The woman who always looks perfectly put together may spend her entire Sunday planning outfits, hair and accessories for the week. The friend whose business looks like its soaring may be up late every night watching videos and taking free classes at the community college to learn what she doesn’t know. The coworker who keeps getting promoted may have spent years being overlooked before the right leader finally recognized their potential. We really don’t know what people have walked through or what they’ve sacrificed to reach the moments we see.
As we close out this year and step into a season of fresh plans, new goals and renewed hope, it helps to carry a little more kindness in how we see each other. A little more patience. A little more understanding for the stories we can’t see and the work that happens behind the scenes.
Most of us are trying, growing and figuring things out in our own way, at our own time with so much behind the scenes that no one will never see or hear about. And sometimes remembering that is enough to keep all of our hearts open.
XO - Carmen C.
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