This Chapter of Womanhood: Embracing the Now

Not too long ago, I shared some thoughts about starting over. I’ve come to truly appreciate how often we as women have the power to stop, shift, and begin again throughout our life. It may not always feel like we have those choices, especially when life is heavy or resources are tight; but even then I’ve learned that the option to “start again” or to pivot is always on the table. It might take some planning, a new strategy, or help from others, but it’s still there. One thing I’ve always stood on both in life and on social media is this: if you want to start over or be someone different, you can and should do it - unapologetically.

But what if you want to start over so you can be who you used to be? What if you feel stuck or unhappy with who you are now and you want to get back to that girl or woman you used to know? What if you have been unable to start over or begin something new because you just can’t quite be who you used to be? She always did it; but you now, you’re having a tough time. What if you feel guilty for even wanting a change in your life?

Why We Are Stuck in The Past

I honestly believe one of the many reasons women feel stuck or unfulfilled at certain points throughout their life in ways that prevents them from starting over is because we often don’t believe we’re allowed to pivot. We think starting over or doing something new means failure from doing something else. Or we feel guilty for wanting something different for ourselves; especially if we’ve had children or obtained our current life with who we were or what we had in the past. And let’s be real, from the beginning we’re given a script about how we should look, live, love, and move through the world and we follow it because that’s what we’re taught to do.

“But I miss her”

What happens when we try to pivot and do it exactly like we did ten or twenty years ago because that’s where we feel we had it better? For instance, you want to lose weight because you want to be the same size you were in high school - even though you’ve given birth or have developed hormonal changes beyond your immediate control. Or you try to dress exactly like you did when you were 25 because that’s when you feel you looked your best - even though you may be 15 - 20 years older, have more bills, less free time, like different styles and may even be three full sizes larger. It’s as if we seek to be who we used to be because compared to our current life or situation that version of us (and maybe even life) seems like it was better. To get back to that girl/woman we used to know we’ll often chase the same routines, the same products, the same energy, the same social circles, and the same version of ourselves we used to be - not giving consideration or grace to our current schedules and responsibilities, living situation, financial status, true interests today, and the fact our current lifestyle may even include different people. And if by chance it appears we can get a semblance of our old self or life back, we may have difficulty sustaining it or even enjoying it and wonder why it doesn’t feel quite right or why it’s not working the way we thought it would. I mean, it worked in the past - right?

Let me say this gently: you may never be who you were. And perhaps you’re not supposed to be.

You’re Not Who You Used to Be

For some women, who we were in the past is exactly where we want to be and believe that’s where we need to be in order to be happy or settled; despite what our lives may look like now. But for the majority of us, it may be a bit more complicated (and maybe unattainable) and that’s what is hard to mentally and emotionally digest.

I know, the realization that maybe we aren’t or can’t be who we were in the past can be scary and can bring a sense of loss. Realizing the life you used to have or the person you used to be may be gone (or is unrealistic in this chapter of your life) can be heartbreaking and discouraging. You may begin to feel like you’re mourning the version of yourself that seemed prettier, was more fit, was cooler, had more energy, had more time, had more money, fewer responsibilities, and fewer scars. It can also lead to depression and a feeling of defeat and thoughts that you truly don’t deserve what you desire since you haven’t gotten it. But here’s the thing, YOU DO deserve everything you desire. And embracing where you are right now and starting with what you have is what will move you forward  in a real and authentic way in obtaining what you may actually want, while also accepting that things may look and be different - because you are different.

The Gift of Now

Here’s the gift in this chapter - you now carry wisdom, resilience, information and self-awareness that the former version of you didn’t have. You’ve had encounters that have opened your eyes to the world around you and have strengthened who you are through situations that could have broken you. And though you may carry some scars, they just show the battles you’ve won and the courage you’ve built.

This chapter of womanhood might not be the one you pictured a long time ago but it’s still yours to define - and it can be better than anything the old you could have ever imagined. Over time, we’ll talk about how to build and support where you are in different areas of your life - self-esteem, self image, body and skin care, appearance etc. But for today, just know this: you are exactly where you need to be and the next beautiful season is coming (or maybe you’re already in it).

So exhale; give yourself grace; be patient with the process; and remember you may not necessarily be returning to who you were - and maybe you don’t need to. Perhaps the better plan is making room for who you are now and recognizing she is something special too.

As you start or continue on your journey of doing or being who you want to be, it’s important to consider that maybe the reason it’s not happening the way you thought it would is because who and where you are now is where your starting point should be; not the place or person you were in your past. She’s gone (or at least doesn’t exist as that past version of who you were). But you - right now - have what she needs to start again. And that’s more than enough to hold onto today.

XO - Carmen C.

Disclaimer: If you’re struggling with depression or having thoughts of self-harm or harming others, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional or healthcare provider. You don’t have to go through it alone—support is available.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, here are some resources:

• National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.):
  Call or text 988 — Available 24/7
  Website: 988lifeline.org

• Crisis Text Line:
  Text HELLO to 741741 — Free, 24/7 support via text
  Website: www.crisistextline.org